Admit it. There are times you don’t feel like coming to work, or school, or anywhere except your bed. Whatever your reason may be, especially if your reason is not that legitimate (at least not according to labor laws), you’re gonna have to lie about it. So, you better lie gracefully and with dignity (if there’s such thing as ‘dignified lying’).

Look, I’m not saying you skip work. I’m just saying some people are simply creative and witty. Here’s a few of the best ‘ailments’ you can try getting so you could skip work! Check them out! 

Diagnosis: “Circadian Failure”

Symptoms: A person suffering from this illness often experiences shocks and mild depression. Shocks often occur immediately after the condition subside and the sufferer realises he or she overslept. Depression then ensues when the sufferer realises he or she missed work.

Commonly Known As: Oversleeping

Treatment: For starters, getting enough sleep is necessary, so, sleep early so you get the full 8-hour sleep requirement. Also, alarm clocks are useful. Start using one. And, don’t place your phone or alarm clock within your reach. Put it somewhere far from your grasp, but near enough to be heard loudly. It’ll force you to stand up and kill the noisy bitch.

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Diagnosis: “Dilatory Vivification”

Symptoms: Dilatory Vivification is closely related to ‘circadian failure’. This is also correlated with the body’s vulnerability to gravity and snugness. A sufferer usually experiences the inability to perform any outright activity immediately after bed. This condition is characterised by the sufferer’s unwillingness to do just anything. This is different from lethargic osmosis as this only occurs immediately after waking up. This condition is also accompanied by the act of repeatedly delaying the alarm clock in, usually,  5-minute integral gaps.

Commonly Known As: Inability to get out of the bed

Treatment: For starters, we can’t think of a one-size-fits-all solution to this. Perhaps, find more motivation at work, or somewhere other than the bed. Once you feel motivated to do something everyday, I’m quite sure lingering in your bed’s not gonna be that tempting.

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Diagnosis: “Lethargic Osmosis”

Symptoms: Sufferers experience an emotional unwillingness to move their limbs which manifests as a physical inability. This is also characterised, in minor cases, by selective participation or the tendency to choose activities to participate with or do. Other symptoms include apathy, and fatigue. In extreme cases, lethargic osmosis can result in bedsores.

Commonly Known As: Laziness

Treatment: This is particularly hard to treat if it had become chronic. Part of the treatment plan, in the long-term, is finding more motivation to work or participate in the typical human affairs. For immediate solutions, try coffee. Or, try a nap. 

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Diagnosis: “Petulant Gastric Metabolism”

Symptoms: Very common amongst humans and dogs, petulant gastric metabolism is characterised by nausea, abdominal pain, cramping, dehydration, and an embarrassing need to evacuate your bowels with disturbing frequency. 

Commonly Known As: Diarrhea

Treatment: Hydrate. Take medication. And avoid foods that might upset your gastric tract for the next 48 hours. 

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Diagnosis: “Intermittent Lachrymation”

Symptoms: Intermittent Lachrymation is characterised by red puffy or sore eyes. This is a consequence of a disturbing emotional state usually stemming from relationship failures or disappointments. 

Commonly Known As: A Breakup Or Fight With Bae

Treatment: Booze. And more booze. Or, another bae. Yeah. Good luck with that. 

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Diagnosis: “Thanatophobia”

Symptoms: This is characterised by “feeling like I want to die.” This mental disturbance is caused by dehydration caused by diuretic reactions from alcohol compromising the body’s fluid filter system (the kidney). This dehydration consequently causes brain dehydration thereby killing a number of neural cells and nerves. This in turn causes headaches, nausea, and in extreme cases, death. 

Commonly Known As: A Hangover

Treatment: K. As in, potassium. Try a banana shake in the morning, and plenty of water. For prevention, don’t use juice as an alcohol chaser. Just water. Drink plenty of water while consuming alcohol to counter the dehydrating effect of alcohol.

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Diagnosis: “Hemline Fracture”

Symptoms: General feelings of anxiety and unease, punctuated by frenetic, frenzied movements as patients pace about their rooms.

Commonly Known As: Nothing To Wear

Treatment Plan: Retail therapy is the most successful approach, but its costly. Hmmm.

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Diagnosis: “Petulant Agita”

Symptoms: Characterised by abdominal bloating associated with pain and distinct roundness. Fatigue is also common. The condition often leaves patients at risk of contracting lethargic osmosis.

Commonly Known As: Food Baby

Treatment Plan: It will naturally disappear. Don’t worry. 

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